Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
Maybe he injected his testicle?
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
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