I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
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