So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
Randomize
