mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Randomize
