i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
planned ethnic drinking holidays while bored at work thru next may. I don't suppose you have any scots or russian in you?
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
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