From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
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