She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
Randomize
