i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
Randomize
