Dont have access to internet. masturbating to shake weight commercial.
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
Randomize
