Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
love makes seman taste better
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
Randomize
