Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
if i drink i'll go into liver failure but ok
totally worth it, dude its $1 pbr
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
Randomize
