My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
She should get an extra 30 days for that Georgia Rule movie......terrible.
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
The first thing they saw when they walked in was all four of our std test's hangin on the fridge....i'd be worried if they didn't think we were sluts
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
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