The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
Randomize
