I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
Randomize
