If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
He better not be in your backpack
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
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