that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
Just bored and untired. I want to be in Austin. At college. Drinking someone elses alcohol. Am I asking too much of life?
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
Randomize
