remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
Drake has all the answers
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
