Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
ya dads aren't the best wingmen
I really wanna talk..
if by talk you mean have nasty makeup sex involving marshmellow fluff.. I'm down
We are not in the same countries and I heard about your hook up last night BEFORE you.
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
I currently don't understand fingers.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
Randomize
