I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
Randomize
