I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
Be careful, there is sex in the air.
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
Randomize
