you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
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