worst experience of my life. her nipples were sick. kinda like a venn diagram
And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
He probably put up nude pics. He seems like that kind of guy.
you made cement angels. it was a great sight.
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
This is a whole other level of drinking. Like the I used to eat paste with these people kinda drinking.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
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