I was staring at you from my window across the quad. I wanted to let you know so it's not creepy
Soap is not a condiment
My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
Randomize
