I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
Randomize
