I can't watch pbs sober anymore
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
Randomize
