Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
she's p upset bro
Where is he. I have a sword.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
Randomize
