my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
By early evening I was shouting at the deeply Christian girl to suck my dick inbetween snorting lines of gatorade powder.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.