On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
Nice classy night out before we roll our faces off
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
Randomize
