i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
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