your parents love me but you hate me
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
Floor bacon is actually really good
Dicks are not precious.
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
Randomize
