I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
Randomize
