fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
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