is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Randomize
