no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
We need somewhere to take these girls. Otherwise it's a orgy in the Mazda.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
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