You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
Randomize
