Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
this is the fourth time i've taken my clothes off for money this year. is that normal for the average college sophomore?
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
