I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
Just saw the german running around on campus. Thought of his small penis.
As you should.
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
