after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
I'm determining which apartments I'm mostly to move into based on how suitable the kitchens are for sex .
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
Randomize
