I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
He woke up from being passed out on the couch mumbled something that sounded like "Taco" then proceeded to the bathroom only to pass out again, I think we need to learn how to party like him!
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
Randomize
