I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
Randomize
