it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
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Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
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I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
this night just went from meh to biblical thanks to drunk naked yahtzee
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...