He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
