There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
who has not yet felt my sugrcially enhanced boobs. HurryI am at the bnar and it is 1:15 am
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
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