omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
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