You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
Just got a blow job while taking my online quiz. How is life in the dorms treating you?
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
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