My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Crop dusting thru forever 21
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