I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
Randomize
