i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
Bud light made chelada as a breakfast for those of us with class at 8 am
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