Amandyke just told me shes gonna make my tongue her cum rag. i'm borderline terrified
I am spending my child support on dildos
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
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i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
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