Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
Randomize
