By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
Randomize
