Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
you made wolf sounds and yelled "team me" the entire movie
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
Randomize
