Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
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